start time 5:51 end time 5:59

here i am agian the same dark place i was when i first fell and hit the ground i had somone as my decoy and that just hit the fan :(
i cant understand whether each day im getting stronger or if i want him even more and more. I hate that people make me jelous ,,,i hate admiting i am i hate that i cant spell i hate that ****** excists i hate how stupid i am i hate **** i hate guys i hate love i hate crying i hate feeling i need him more and more everyday but i refuse to give in refuse because he doesnt care and that kills me the happy momments were i was a fool stabs me im sad im mad im pissed evan. Im not hopless if only i were that lucky.Im drowning in quick fixes thats ruining my brian...I crying yesterday when i was high...it was strange ...it was different....i dont know why i did it well one year ago yesterday ..since first kiss and that hurt more than anything has in my life.......... its pain its wicked its tourture its life. i dont think i will ever love agian ..the only thing i will ever surrender to is the blade and starvation.

start time 10:11pm end time 10:21

do you know the feeling of
the back of your eyes the nerves that are
only set off when your about to break down the nerves that
push harder and harder against your skull when you think they
might burst because your trying not to cry so hard?
well i do.
just wanting to crash ,hide in a deep whole go back even farther until your soul
doesn't remember light.
Im further back then i started from.
Im dreading the months, days,years ahead i know this feeling the period of time
that means nothing until you love again every time its like new breath ,its waking up a baby with
memories and scares of your last life,lessons of your last life. I don't know if that day will come
again , i know it has before but i just dont know the 1 year mark of our souls first meeting is in 6 days . I wounder if he even knows i wounder hes even thought about it at all. The only thing geting me though thease days are hopes for the future not about love but about peace and what life is about beyond a other person that completes you

start time=5:21pm end time=5:27

I saw him.I ran from him. I don't even think it was because of fear .I walked away from him ,I waited i ignored him...And for the first time he didn't walk after me..I was trying to make him feel something he doesn't know what i don't even know what ..Why do i run away and make things so complicated all i want is him. And i dot know if that is what he wants I hear that he does and he is just scared but Im scared too but i dont act like him...I find it hard to believe that .that is all it is...I need to talk to him i need to see his face when i tell him ...ask him if he is filled with fear ...The face will tell me im sure of it...And if it tells me no that is it ,,im moving on...If it tells me yes i will try again ..I just need to know that is all i need to know.

start time:10:21pm end time:10:28

The more and more i try to talk to him about it the more and more he backs up into his conor and hides,I think that he doesn't want to know if he has hurt me or not because it is better then him getting hurt himself,well tomarrow I think I'm going to see him and put the theroy to the test...oh and about my friend who's light is burning out ethier its gone and he is lerneing how to put on a painted smile like me or he is getting better i hope its the sencond one...anyway i wish that he wouln't be scared i asked him if he thought fear was weakness..he said no everyone has fear but what is weak is not trying to face it ...well hes not and he is weak just like he was trying to tell me all along ...and yet he hurts me so much so what does that mean about me?Why cant he just understand that i don't want to talk about the way i feel about him because i think deep down he honestly knows...All I ever wanted and the reason i kept getting more and more deep into it is because i want to know how he feels . What are people so scared of ?
I want , need to know how to beat fear how to kill it before it has time to ruin everything i live for...I won't let it win.

start time=4:10pm end tim 4:17

Its horriable to have known sombody for so long been friends with them..And they have so much life ,light about them and then one day you watch that life go out and you relize he is just like you now and you can't do anything about it because you can't even do anything about yourself . This is how i felt today as i gazed upon the shell of a brokin friend .

He's not the same anymore and im scared for him like I'm scared for myself every day i have to deal with the fact people change but it never really sets in my stuborn brian.Everytime someone changes its like i lose a friend and a little part of me and everytime i change i lose a little bit more of myself. I still find nothing to be the same ,no steady thing to hold on to as this tornado called life sucks me in deeper exept for something out side of this world , my faith. My music, my morals,and my hope.Some how i never give that up.

start=7:54 pm end time 8:04

I remember a time when i looked at things and thought i understood.I remember a time when i looked at things and wished i understood for the first time in my life im going to try to understand.
Lately I've been at the bottom of the pit i dug and the pit my friends ,family, and the someone who makes my world go and my heart stop threw me in. But now im taking action I'm going to lose this battle and win or lose the war either way it will end and i will move on . I finally truly understand him. I think i knew the truth all along . But i still find it hard to believe . I didn't want to believe it because I thought if the reason we weren't together was me i could keep changing until we would be. I am afraid of not having that control. I'm terrified of it but it is truly his problem is fear of comintimint and vonarblity and to get him to overcome his fear i think its only right to defeat mine as well and let the control go and put it in gods hands .